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Showing posts from June, 2014

Peace of Mind

So over the past couple days I found myself to be pretty calm. I guess it's because after my family eases my fears I knew who my true family was. I mean Jane had made it clear once again, in case I wasn't paying attention before, that she thinks I'm a mistake leading me to a PTSD attack... Then my family Richard, Eric, Mom, and Dad helped me realize that they're there for me much more than Jane ever was. Like Mom has taught me more motherly things and given me more advice in the two years I've known her than Jane has ever given me throughout my whole life.
With this sense of calm I've been able to jump back into my studies and writing my book. I was able to study French and one song in French called 'Du Style' by Jena Lee. I have four more Jena Lee songs to learn including J'aimerais Tellement, Je Me Perds, US Boy, and Je M'ennuie. I'm also getting back on my homework from my "Writer's Adventure" by Sexton Burke. As it turns ou…

PTSD Strikes Again

So yesterday I was afraid once again that one day I'd be kicked out of this house. However, no one I live with has ever given me a reason to feel this way. It's just that one of my PTSD issues is that I'll be kicked out again or that one of the people I love will never come home. So yesterday when my PTSD hit me hard Richard was unavailable. At first I thought I just wanted to be left alone with my music, but when I started crying hard I realized I needed to talk to someone. Eric, one of my brothers, was busy cleaning the living room. I snuck over there and asked if I could talk to him. He helped me over to sit down. We talked for a while, and he made me feel much better. When I told him I was afraid to be kicked out he said, "You have to do something to get kicked out." See, in the house I tend to keep to myself, so it's not like I've made enemies here. He just made me a lot better. I guess I just liked that he listened. That's what helped. After the…

Welcome to the Real World

So everyone you know about a little over a week ago I decided to try to work things out with Jane, and things didn't seem to be going well... Well... She has been excommunicated from my life with vengeance. I mean once she sent me that horrid message I said absolutely nothing back because even if I listened to Mom's advice and said what Mom told me to... My anger would have taken over, and I would have accidentally violently excommunicated my amazing younger brother who lights up my world. And people I would never in my life hurt Ethan on purpose. If I've ever hurt him it was an accident, and I did everything in my power to make it up to him. Anyway, back to Jane... She had told me that she was always there for me through all the late night sicknesses, ER visits, therapy (she was not...), she had done everything to help me move from my unsafe family that wanted to hurt me after my father passed away and she did everything to help me graduate (congrats! you did what all mom…

Memories... Maybe it's Time to Move On...

So I talked to Jane on the phone today, and now I remember why I liked her disowning me. She always drags me down. It's not like obvious or anything, but she takes small little jabs at me. We had to catch up over the year she missed, and I had to lie in the most horrible way. I couldn't call my parents Mom and Dad... I had to call them Mama and Papa Chico... which makes me sad because they've been my parents for two years and some. It felt wrong to call Mom and Dad Mama and Papa Chico... Like my heart was tearing as I said it. When I told her about Annaise (the most adorable child ever) Jane said I was weak as well. Like my arms and torso are weak too when really it's just my legs. I can beat people in arm wrestling matches no problem. I tell her I'm studying French and science... She's like, "You're brother's learning French, too." That's awesome but no offense, we were talking about my studies... She never asked me details about my engag…

Stress Free Day

This is my first stress free day in like forever. It started out with crazy dreams where I was sucked into one of my own stories as the heroine. I had magic, an adventure, and I got an extra life piece that looked like an ivory statue of me along with me being able ride a dragon. I even had a twin brother that looked like Adam. He's two months older than me in real life. He ended up saving my life in the dream. I also had another dream where I was going on crazy wild adventures with my sister, Sammy. These dreams inspired me to write some more. Richard and I get our room to ourselves because Marshall's at a friends. We got to watch Scooby Doo: Mystery Incorporated; our show for the moment. In like six days it'll be over. We found a show that's airing a marathon today; I Love the 2000s. It's so cool for us to remember stuff that happened and became popular in 2000-2009 (I will update the year as the marathon continues). We watched a bit with our brother Eric. Eric h…

Lesson Learned?

Haha. You wish. Or maybe I'm confused on what you wanted. Okay maybe I should go back to the beginning and clear some stuff up. So Jane, my female sperm donor, wanted to be friends with me on facebook last time we talked, right? And you remember how I was dreading it? Well, I spoke to Mom last night about how to get rid of that feeling of dread, and she said just ask her. Mom gave me the words to say, "So I was curious why the last time I tried to talk to you was on my birthday last year, and then you deleted me. Now you send me a friend request and it's coming around my birthday again. I was wondering if there was an ulterior motive or something?" To which she replied, "I stopped talking because you barely acknowledged the gift and only after I asked many times if you got it. You wouldn't call me mom, you chose to use my first name and I had several people tell me how you described what a terrible person I was to you.It seemed obvious you didn't want m…

The Past Year

I don't know if I'll post this early or on the actual day where it's been an entire year, but it will be a year on July 1, 2014. Last year on July 1 I moved to Brooklyn, NY with my boyfriend and his family leaving my horrible life and horrid biological family behind. I had left for my health, and guess what? Ever since I got to New York I've got much healthier in every way.
When I first got here I was horribly underweight. I was incredibly shy and prone to maybe like a panic attack or two a day if not more. I couldn't walk at all. All my muscles wouldn't work in the slightest. My PTSD and anxiety were out of control. I was always afraid the family would hate me and throw me out. This is probably because in every other house I lived in once they were done with me they threw me to the wolves.
So now it's about a year later, and I'm exercising everyday. My legs are getting stronger every day. I'm going to therapy often to help control my depression, an…

Kaylyn's Protagonists: Realizations and Fear

So how do I begin this? *thinks about it* How would the best way to put it be? *ponders it a little more* Okay, well I'm... I guess I'm a little afraid of what will happen after I'm done with my Hell trilogy. For as long as I could remember my female protagonists were there to help me cope with things I was dealing with. So I don't know what's going to happen when I'm done writing the Hell series and Head Hunters because my life's much better now. I guess there's nothing to worry about yet because I have three books to work on and everything, but I did feel I needed to write this out. Here I'll show you what I mean about my protagonists helping me cope with my life. There are four main characters who have helped me cope with my life; Tess Calliway, Christin "Ari" Keller, Pandora Snow, and Angel Shudo. I'm going to tell you in great detail to help me channel my creativity.
Tess Calliway: Her last name has changed over the years. I'm…

The Power of Talking

So I've been worried because my depression has been messing with me. I've been diagnosed with depression seven/almost eight years ago. And I've always had it under control to the point where most people didn't even know I had depression. But lately the depression's been getting worse to the point that even when I'm laughing or giggling at a joke, but I'm still absolutely miserable. This has never been a problem before. What I noticed was that my thyroids may be swollen because I can barely eat a thing without my throat closing. I talked to my mom about it last night. I mean the depression has gotten to the point where I was going to give up on writing. WRITING! My whole life's passion! So Mom made me an appointment for this Thursday where I can find out what's going on and how to deal with it. In the meantime I'm still trying to keep my depression in check.
I wasn't able to do it on my own, so today I called my sister, Sammy. Sammy is one of…

Grateful to be Where I Am and More

Have you ever asked yourself if you're in the right place in life? I've asked myself that at every new chapter in my life. And the answer was always, "At least I'm on the right track to be where I need to be." And that was because I was usually on my own taking care of myself. I mean yes, I had a very good father, but there were things I felt I shouldn't tell him for personal reasons that no one but me would understand. Did I make all the right choices? Probably not. But they were the right choices for me at the time made them.
So the answer has finally changed though. I'm in the right place now. I live with a wonderful family. Is it perfect? Not always, but what's perfect anyway? At least now I have two loving parents, a ton of siblings who would most likely have my back in any battle I were to find myself in, and two adorable little nieces. Not to mention the most perfect fiance I could ever find myself with. One of my nieces is five, and she's …

Bookcon

So I went to Bookcon with Richard yesterday. For anyone who doesn't know what that is it's one of the book conventions that happens. I wanted to initially check it out because my publishing company wants me to be a part of it. I thought it would be wiser to check it out before I try to be a part of it. For some reason they had Bookcon the same time the had BEA (BookExpo America) which I think is unfair because BEA is longer, like four days, and Bookcon is like a day or two, so Bookcon was pretty small. The first real booth Richard and I went to is the Penny Dreadful booth that's run by the self-published author Carl Paolino. At first he was running it all by himself which was hard because he had to have his eyes everywhere at once because people kept thinking they could take his books for free. But he paid for his booth all by himself. He needs people to buy his book more than the big name published books. I was the first person of the day to buy a copy of his book, and I …