Women's Empowerment Month Collection: Slight Retraction

First off, this is not a retraction on any of the wonderful women I interviewed back in March and shared in April. This is actually a slight retraction about something I shared about myself in one of the interviews in the beginning, and I'm actually kind of lucky that I'm posting it in May because May is Mental Health Awareness. 

During March I interviewed my sister by bond, Kristen where there was a trigger warning because we were talking about eating disorders and suicidal thoughts. In that post, I said we had already got help… When I posted hers in the beginning of April. Well in the beginning of April, I found out I was incorrect, but only about my own health. My own struggle with my eating disorder has come and gone for over fifteen years, and since I was so good at hiding it eventually even I thought I was… alright. 

TRIGGER WARNING: To all those who are struggling through eating disorders.

But in February of this year I posted something in the Obey Me 💜💙 (a mobile game) fan group that made enough group members worry that they reported me to Facebook. I was too blurry-eyed when Facebook was telling me they were worried about me and my eating disorder because people had told them about me. I did the only thing I could think of. I screenshotted everything they said and said, to myself, I'd read it later. Not only did I read it, I took notes, and I saved all the contact info for the important numbers as you can see in Kristen's interview. But back in February, I didn't think I had a problem. I wish I could say I did, but I automatically tried to calm them down. Like, "No, I don't have a problem. I was just sharing a pic of this character." But fast forward to April, I did end up thanking them for looking out for me, and the Obey Me 💜💙 group has been so supportive as well even though it's heavily a fan group they're happy I'm trying getting help and I'm trying to get better. 

At the beginning of April, my therapist and I were able to talk about the Obey Me 💜💙 group's worries, my eating pattern, what started it, and she wanted me to go to a support group. We discussed that I have anorexia because I average to a meal and a half a day. Yes, I am aware I'm fat now, but before New York I was underweight. When I got to New York, I started eating more regularly, but eventually my eating disorder always rears its head. Over the weekend (April 9-10th; the 10th is his anniversary) I told my dad everything in a letter including apologizing that he never got to know the real me. During therapy (April 11th) I mentioned both group experiences and my therapist told me what was wrong with the first support group I found. They weren't supposed to be set up like that. There should have been more of a moderator so no one felt uncomfortable and there should have been rules in place. They were supposed to be set up like the second one. She wanted the information I had got from Facebook which I immediately gave her after that appointment. 

My therapist is actually in the process of moving offices, so she told me that she wants me to change psychiatrists, so she can work with them, get me to work with a nutritionist who is aware of my eating disorder and more. I have a consultation with her new office on the 12th. I was told what's important to say and ask for. The only thing is that I noticed I was scratching my scarred thumb more during the day. 

On the 12th, I had my consultation for the next place. The app is really easy to use, but the co-pay is actually trying to crucify me. Ever since I admitted that I had an eating disorder, my therapist and I changed from meeting every other week to every week. But if this price continues, I'd have to only see her once a month. I asked my therapist and the health coach about a slide scale for therapy. I hope I can get one because I really need the therapy and on top of that I really like my therapist and don't want to have to keep switching therapists, now due to cost instead of burnout. I haven't heard back from them yet (April 13th). 

I'll reach out to the health coach if I don't hear back from her about the billing today (April 13th). I did check on the billing question while writing today, so hopefully I'll hear from them before 5. I actually decided to call them the same day due to the importance of this nature. I called the place, and they told me to talk to billing. They gave me billing's email, and I sent an email to billing immediately. They asked for more information and then said they'll get back to me in 72 hours. Honestly, I'm a little nervous and still can't stop scratching. Maybe in the meantime, I'll play with my new cat, Iggy, listen to music, and hang out more with my husband to be less nervous. This is all a really big change. Well, good news, I didn't have to wait 72 hours to get a possible waiver that can help me with the co-pay. I immediately filled it out and submitted it. Now I have to wait 3-5 business days for a response. I was actually given paperwork from the billing department to fill out on April 13th, and once I filled it out with some help I still had to wait 3-5 business days. Because of the importance, I did keep an eye on my email daily. On April 20th, I was given the good news that my co-pay was waived. I forwarded the email to my therapist, and she was so happy to get the news. 

Since I was finally looking into the dietitians at the beginning of May, I reached out to my therapist to see what she thought I should be looking for in a dietitian. Also at the beginning of May, I tried to find out if my therapist's new office had any appointments in psych evals because last month when I was looking for one at my therapist's request there were no appointments available. I made sure to keep my therapist up to date on my progress as it's taking her longer than she planned to go through orientation. She even told me to request a therapist in the meantime. 

Onto me working on my eating disorder… So my therapist sent me to a place, but they were not a good fit at all. And I had three big issues with them: 1. Despite the fact I was in a meeting for anorexia they made me feel like I ate too much… 2. It was too religious. And 3. They did not know the definition of "compulsive" But I do want to get help, and I agreed to go to a support group. So I called both the National Eating Disorders Association and National Alliance for Eating Disorders, numbers Facebook gave me. I'm still waiting for an email from National Eating Disorders Association, but I did attend a support group meeting run by National Alliance for Eating Disorders. It was such a comfortable setting that I plan to go back. In that meeting, I screenshotted everything in chat so I could learn the rules and everything that could help me. After the first meeting, there were two very helpful quotes I put on my corkboard. After I was done getting the advice and quotes, I deleted everything. 

I felt just as comfortable in the second one as the first. I also took an eating disorder survey and asked for a referral for a dietitian like my therapist had asked for hours before the meeting. The National Alliance for Eating Disorders came back to me with dietitians, so I'll be looking into them soon as well. Hopefully, this will work out. The National Alliance for Eating Disorders came back to me with dietitians, so I'll be looking into them soon as well. Hopefully, this will work out. The ones I was sent, work with adults with eating disorders, they work virtually, and on top of that if I have any further questions I'm allowed to ask the National Alliance more questions again. They will send referrals with others. The ones I was sent, work with adults with eating disorders, they work virtually, and on top of that if I have any further questions I'm allowed to ask the National Alliance more questions again. They will send referrals with others. I got the referrals, and I intended to call them that week but time got away from me. 

And by the 20th, I had gone to the Pro-recovery meetings because I was too exhausted to go to a morning one. I still need to get better at it because during the last one thus far I fell asleep during it no matter how hard I tried not to… I hated that. Not only was it incredibly embarrassing but I didn't remember it happening until I woke up afterwards to a message saying a host let me out… I emailed them to apologize and explain in case what happened had something to do with my eating health. They never needed me to apologize as their response was the blanket, "If you'd like to sign up for group…" As the 25th rolled by, it became evident that I needed more sleep or something, but I also needed the group because the group is helpful, but I faded during the group again… Later into the meeting, and I don't recall what happened this time but five minutes after the meeting was over I came to and viola I was logged out by one of the people in charge. 

But that's not all I need to discuss… Not a lot of people know about my eating disorder, and as I feel I should come out with it this way. I let the women know one more post would come out after the interviews, and the first one to come to me was Kristen, and I immediately felt like a kid again despite that when we met we were young adults, and as the interview states, she caught on that I wasn't eating properly instantly. But it's been about ten years since then, so maybe I'm embarrassed. Kristen's never judged me though. She had always been the big sister I needed back then and we're there for each other now. And as I mentioned in one of the groups, she's the reason I knew I needed help. She was the nudge I needed. But currently besides my husband, no one knows… 

Over the past weekend (as May started), one of the psychologists that sends out the referrals sent me an email to check in. She'd like to hear from me to see how I'm doing. I'm going to check in with the referrals she sent first before replying to her. I want to give her the most updated information. After doing my best to reach out to the dietitians, the psychologist from National Alliance for Eating Disorders, I replied to her email. I didn't want to leave her email waiting too long because last time I did that, it got lost in my inbox. It took me a while to find the email with the dietitian referrals for dietitians from National Alliance for Eating Disorders that my therapist wanted me to look into. In fact, it wasn't until the beginning of May. I called all four numbers, but I only left a message for one, and I emailed the other one who I was sure still worked at that office. In times like this, I don't feel comfortable leaving messages for any doctors, therapists, or anybody of that kind because burnout can make them leave their jobs. So unless I have a full knowledge of the person I'm attempting to connect with is there I won't leave a message. I've only heard from the dietitian I emailed so far. Unfortunately, the only way my insurance will cover me seeing her is if I have diabetes or renal disease. That's something she's trying to get fixed as we speak. In the email I sent back to the psychologist from National Alliance for Eating Disorders, I gave her an update on me reaching out to the dietitians, and then I asked her questions I've been mulling over in my head like are some of the pro-recovery support groups different? Is it okay to miss a group or two while you're figuring out your scheduling? 

I had a couple eating disorder wins when it came to dates with my husband lately. First one was on our ten year anniversary (April 21st). We went to our favorite place, Lindenwood Diner, where I would usually get the Hungryman Special consisting of one piece of French Toast, two pancakes, and three types of meat. Those are times where I'm super okay and not suffering as bad. I can still only eat half that night, and eat the rest the next morning. But on our anniversary, I was still suffering from the effects of anorexia, where I don't want to eat because I'm not hungry, but I found a meal I really wanted, French Toast with fresh strawberries on top. It was delicious. I still brought half of it home for the next day's breakfast, but I was proud of myself. We also had a wonderful night out. The next win I had (May 1st) I am extra proud of because I had to fight depression brought on by missing something I really wanted to do because of a twisted ankle. Richard had us order Checkers (something I was craving) to make up for the fact we couldn't go to the People's Ball thrown by the Brooklyn libraries. It's this beautiful gala/dance-like thing we haven't attended since 2018. I ordered a special burger, large fries, a brookie (a mix of a brownie and a cookie), and a slushie. My husband surprised me with funnel fries because he knew I wanted them and he wanted to cheer me up. We ate in my office and watched AFV. The fries were basically my dinner, both actual and funnel. I ate the burger later and saved the brookie for later. Yesterday (May 4th) I was on a date with Richard. We go on a mall date every month, and I had an eating disorder win that I have to share. After going to four stores and picking up odds and ends for me and our pet cat we stopped at Panera. Panera is like one of our places. It's where we had our first date ever in person back in Cali, ten years ago. Anyway, yesterday I got a pick two, a Caesar salad and a macaroni and cheese half sandwich. My disorder didn't get in the way at all, I dove in and ate without feeling anxious at all. The food was delicious and any leftover salad my husband ate without issue.  



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