Thirteen Reasons Why

About a week and a half ago, I got five books from Full Sail University to prepare me for Children's Entertainment. I got The Writer's Guide to Crafting Stories for Children by: Nancy Lamb, Sideways Stories from Wayside School by: Louis Sachar, The Giver by: Lois Lowry, Speak by: Laurie Halse Anderson, and Thirteen Reasons Why by: Jay Asher. The only book I read before was Thirteen Reasons Why. I read it while I was in high school. I don't remember my feelings from reading it back then, but I know it captivated me. That was like eight years ago. I found myself rereading it when I got .
For those of you who don't know what the book's about... Hannah Baker is a high school student who killed herself. She left behind seven cassette tapes blaming thirteen people for pushing her over the edge. The tapes have to be mailed to each people in the list or... bad things happen. You're reading it from one of the people she blame's points of view.
I'm like half way done with it. ... Um... I love how Jay Asher writes so you can feel what Hannah was feeling and you can also feel what the listener, Clay, is feeling. I think that's way cool.I hope one day I can write that well. It will now be one of my writing goals.
It's funny it wasn't until I was past the half way point that I realized that like Hannah I have been the new kid like her. Jane was very nomadic, and the last school year I stayed with her I wasn't even looking for friends. They found me and I had a great time with them, But I still had a not-so-good home life and ended up leaving to move in with Dad and April. In Washington state, ninth grade is still a part of of middle school so I was the new kid at two schools there. And I admit high school is incredibly difficult to get through, but I did have a few friends as well as a few not-so- good friends who treated me like a child who needed to be watched over due to the Cerebral Palsy. In middle school no one acted like I couldn't keep up. It was so weird. But I didn't acknowledge the way they treated me until after I graduated.
Reading Thirteen Reasons Why also can grate at your emotions especially if you were ever feeling like Hannah... Reading this book has made me realize how much I wasn't really paying attention to high school as it happened. Like... Am I actually going to write this out...? What's the harm? I don't have to post it...
Okay... To anyone who knew me as a teenager or in high school I can tell you I kept a lot from you. Even if you were my family. I'm now twenty-four with my life pretty together. I've gotten perspective. Since it's been years please know I blame no one for what happened because they happened in the moment. The guilty didn't color the way I look at the world. And I hope their lives are going alright. Honestly. I'm not one of those people who hates all men because of the actions of one. If that was how I felt I'd be very lonely. But I was molested when I was a teenager... By a few different people... In different situations. One time happened when I was a sophomore in high school, at the high school. I was able to push him away and get away. I went directly to my class told one person without giving away a name... Eventually the memory fell away. The boy was very apologetic and before he moved he apologized for his actions from the bottom of his heart. And I forgave him. You may think of me a fool for that, but you won't ever get the full story. It's part of the reason I'll never write a memoir. You will end up blaming someone... And... I don't want to... Things happen for a reason, and I handled it as well as I could.
After high school I moved to Jane's (my biological mother's)... Long story... For another time... Or never... I was molested by two different men there. At different times. After one only my truest best friend was ever told the truth in full. But after one of those times I ended up at a friend's house. I didn't tell her what fully happened, but I did ask her for a haircut. I needed something to be new if even it was just temporary. She cut my hair exactly like hers (how I wanted it) to the point that when I walked out of her house my brother didn't recognize me. I bring this up because Hannah never got any comments on her hair when she cut it for the same reason. The comments I got were from the friend who did it's mom was why was I letting her daughter do this to me? Jane thought it was weird, and a friend of the girl who did my hair caught a glimpse and thought I looked cute. She gave me his number or introduced us via Facebook. I can't remember perfectly. But we became great friends and even family after that. He even helped me at my worst. So I know we don't talk as much as either one of us would like, but I still hold you in high regard, Brad.
One thing that the book touched on was poetry. I was never good at it, but I did try my hand at it in high school. I thought it would help me through my feelings. It didn't help as much as writing fictional stories did though. I remember one day I came home from school to see April going through my room. My room was always full of scattered paper and multiple notebooks. Whatever April found (I can't remember what it was because it was eight years ago and I've written a hell of a lot since then) upset her greatly. She told me to hang out upstairs till she was done. It was the single scariest day of my life only second to a few I will never say. The thing about parents is they always over-analyze your writing especially if your their kid. It's part of the reason I only showed April some of my work and Jane absolutely none of it. Why do parents always want to dig deeper instead of taking my writing at face-value? But April did have great insight and critiques when it came to other writings of mine. So did Dad. But it always seemed like Moms over-reacted more than Dad and always dug more into it.
So have I ever felt like Hannah? As hopeless as she did? Yeah. I felt that way plenty of times throughout my life.  It really started to get to me the last school year I lived Jane. She tried to force me into help. It made me more closed off and after a while I thought it would be better to live with Dad and April. When I first moved in with them it was obvious to my parents I needed discipline, love, and help. So they took me to doctors and tried to see what they could do to help. April stayed with me at every appointment. And now, being an adult I really appreciate how much they showed they cared. It turned out I was clinically depressed, and because of that I was put on an antidepressant that helped and still helps today.  I was supposed to see a therapist once a week and sometimes one of both of my parents would sit in to see what we all could do to help me. When I went back to live at Jane's everything sucked and I felt more alone than ever. The final straw for me was when Jane talked shit about me to my sister within my earshot. I waited till they left and was going to end my life, but Ethan came home early from his dad's. I remember a friend once telling me that a spontaneous call from his father saved his life. That's what E did for me even if he doesn't know it. I knew I NEEDED help at that point. After everyone went to bed I called the suicide hotline to see what I should do. They told me to come in for an evaluation the next day if I was still scared since I was safe for the night. All I needed was a ride. I called Brad and he said he'd take me before work. He stayed with me through the whole waiting and the appointment. The doctor was running late, so instead of Brad leaving me there he told his boss (with my permission) that his sister was having an emergency and he needed to be there. They understood. The evaluation said I was okay to go home. Brad hugged me before he headed to work. When I came home that day I went straight to my computer speaking to no one in the house. On one of my favorite sites at the time I introduced myself to a new member and we became friends and more from there. He helped a lot. And he's still the coolest and most supportive person in my life today. That wasn't the only time I felt so hopeless. When I moved to Jane's mom's house out in California I felt invisible. Every time I spoke I was ignored unless it was convenient for them. I couldn't live like that and moved a little over a year later.
There's something the book brings up that I want to mention but maybe when I'm done with the whole book.
One thing that was brought up by the listener, Clay, was he apologized to a friend for saying he missed Hannah. It reminded me of how many people wanted me to stop talking about my Dad. But it also reminded of how grateful I was when I found family and friends let me tell them stories about my dad and talk about him when I miss him.
They bring up two important issues in the book: suicide and suicide prevention. When I was a sophomore in high school we had homeroom where we talked about important stuff like suicide and suicide prevention. Too bad that the next year the class was cut because it was very helpful. I talked a few people down from suicide a lot of times. If it hadn't been for that class I would have been unable to help. The first person I helped was a boy in my junior year. The final sign was when he called to tell me a form of goodbye. I tried to get him to stay on the line, but he hung up. I tried calling back, but no one answered. I called his home number and told his mom what he said and that I was worried. Later I found out I helped when she gave me a thank you note and a small present as a thank you. He was able to get the help he needed. After I graduated I helped two people through suicidal thoughts often. One time one of them tried to go the same way as Hannah. I thought I failed them. I didn't know how to deal with it. I ended up sending her a three message text saying how I'd miss her. I never thought I'd get a message back. She texted half an hour later saying that she woke up. We spoke for hours until I felt she would be okay. The last person I helped was in the summer of 2011 when I was visiting Washington. I was having a tough day of my own and a friend told me they wanted to kill them-self. Maybe just for attention. I tried talking to her, but she turned off her phone. I called a mutual friend and told them what was happening and that she needed help from a family member. She got help but didn't speak to me for months. And when she did she yelled at me. For helping her. Guess it was for attention. But suicide is a serious topic, so if you WANT to or are THINKING about committing suicide please seek help from someone you trust. Someone who you think will hear you out. But if you only say stuff like that because you want attention, please find a less deplorable way of doing so. It's a serious subject. Not something you can mock or say when you're lonely.
So I finished the book. I read six chapters and the interview with the author. Some of the thoughts still lingering are could I ever leave notes like that for people who have wronged me? The truth is no, I could never. I have written letters though to people expressing my true thoughts. But there's nothing that could ever make me give anyone those letters. It was also really interesting how Jay Asher came up with the idea as well as very personal. I've written stories like that but not regarding suicide.

No matter what's said here... I never told the full truth because it could hurt someone or kill me from the inside out. Some stories are better left unsaid... I'm writing about the events as they come up in the book. It took me days to write this as I was reading the book. Sadly, part of this was deleted as I was working on it. I still think I wrote all my thoughts and feelings just like the first copy.

During reading this book I could not help but scratch my left, scarred thumb. It's my nervous habit. It soothed me to do so.

If you don't mind the rush of feels and feeling heavy emotion I highly recommend this book.