A Healthy Image of Myself

It wasn't until after my appointment with my therapist that I wanted to write this. I haven't thought to write this before because I was trying to protect myself from demons, but I think it needs to be said now. So with all the stress that has always been in my life; be it the abusive mother figures, the mother who stopped caring about her kids forcing me to step up my game as a mother figure at the age of eleven or whatever, and everything else I lived through. No matter what happened in my life I just handled it. I never fell into alcohol abuse or drug abuse. To be honest there have been times where I thought, "How the hell haven't I ended up doing drugs or drinking my problems away?" But the answer's very simple: I've got a good head on my shoulders, always have. When I was growing up in my mother's house and around her family I was always put down. I was too ugly. I was broken. I never worked hard enough to please anyone, and I was too fat to them. When I finally moved to my father's house I couldn't get the bad self-image out of my head because of my bipolar stepmother who would love the shit outta me one day and hate my very existence the next. Don't get me wrong even with the crazy mood swings toward me my stepmother was so much more of a mother to me than my birth mother was. I actually felt loved by my stepmother for some time. My birth mother like hated me since birth because I wasn't the child she wanted. In my personal opinion that bitch never truly wanted a kid in general, but who am I to say other than her eldest daughter. Anyway, my birth mom hated me and pushed me harder than she should have because I had CP, and she wanted me to be normal; whereas my father just wanted me to be the best Kaylyn I could possibly be. And once my younger brother was two my birth mom gave up on all three of her children because she was "in love", and she thought it was her turn be selfish. It really took a toll on us that even though our birth mom would come home every night she wasn't really there for us. Sometimes I think it would have been better if she really just left us instead of keeping us as trophies, but then I wouldn't know this amazing young man named Ethan who is the SMARTEST kid I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. I was a good mom figure in all honesty. I bathed my baby brother with little to no problem several times. I made sure my siblings were fed. I was great in the moment but with all that holding everything back thing I ended up with depression. Surprisingly though I didn't turn to drugs or drinking. I honestly don't know why. I guess I was just lucky although I do have a scar on my left thumb where I can't stop scratching because it became my vice. But scratching the crap out of my thumb was the worst I've ever done. I guess just sometimes I'm shocked what I've survived through.
Now onto the part I really want to show everyone. If you're part of the Welch family which I used to be you have to act a certain way or they'll tear you down until you're just scraps of what you used to be. You have to be skinny but not too skinny. You have to obey the TV more than listen to your own thoughts. You have to speak your mind but not often enough to actually be heard, and no matter what you do or say they all will tear into you because they're unhappy with their own lives. I was the black sheep that everyone ripped into because if my birth mother hates you than the whole Welch clan must hate you as well since they all seem to share a brain. I had lived in that confined way of living for so long before I realized it was time to stop. When I lived at my grandmother's house I killed the part of me that was a Welch and decided to just be a Gabbert because I was never a Welch, and I was never allowed to be a Welch. It wasn't until July 1st of last year that I became a Gabbert-Chico, and in all honesty I could not be happier than I am right now.  Being a Gabbert-Chico is the best, and I'm glad that that's who I am. Ever since I moved to the Chico house I've been so much healthier and much much happier, and everyone can tell. I can eat without fearing that someone call me fat. No one in the Chico house is fat. To me they're all just healthy. I've finally been able to work through my PTSD a bit. I have such a better image of myself ever since I moved here. I don't look down upon myself so often. I was able to gain the weight I desperately needed to gain. I'm allowed to express myself without fear of being silenced. And the most important thing of all is I'm loved unconditionally by so many people, and I love them unconditionally as well. I just want to say loud and clear here that I'm very proud and happy to be a Gabbert-Chico.